Just before Christmas the tabloids in the UK had a juicy missing person story to run with; a young woman disappears and goes off the radar, her distraught parents are terrified for their daughter, there’s even a boyfriend out of his mind with worry. The police are of course called in to investigate and the media pressgang catches wind of it and so the story goes nationwide. There is a statement put out by the investigating officers, which is then recorded faithfully in the nation’s rags.
“She was last seen on the night of the 16th when she left her local pub, she later stopped at a local store to purchase a pizza on the way home. Police know that she made it home as they found her purse, keys and phone there. What they did not find was any evidence of the pizza. Dept Insp Soppybollocks is very interested in speaking to anybody who may have any information regarding the Mozzarella, Tomato and Basil Pesto Pizza.”
Wait, What?! I just bet he is the greedy cunt. Who does he think he is, Chief Wiggum? What sort of information would they be needing exactly? How much does one of those Tesco Finest bad boys cost? How many Calories per slice? What is the RDA content of salt equation? All the papers are then flooded with images of the missing pizza, and you just know that somewhere a Tesco Executive is fingering his arse whilst smashing one out over all the free advertising. In fact has anybody even thought to question the Tesco twats? Every Little Helps my arse. The thing is, all the photos are completely unnecessary. I personally see about a thousand of these fucking pizzas everyday in Tesco’s, their always stacked there, unwanted, unloved and unbought (a bit like an ugly dog at the death camp kennels) you know why?… they taste like shit (somebody should probably inform Insp Soppybollocks) I mean for fuck sake, Mozzarella, Tomato and Basil Pesto Pizza? Hang on, is that cheese and tomato? Fuck me, it’s a Margarita pizza! Stop trying to jazz it up you cunts!
Fast forward to Christmas Day and now we have a murder on our hands, the discovery of the body of the bright young lady should have been enough to satiate the Press’s need for grim Yuletide tidings….but stop!….. Where the fuck is that Pizza?! Still missing it seems, you can just picture the scene can’t you?
Policeman – Inspector! Inspector! We’ve found the body sir! Over here!
Inspector – Well done officer! Is the Pizza there?!
Policeman – Sir?
Inspector – I said is the fucking pizza there?!
Policeman – errr I…err I don’t think so sir..I…I can’t see it sir, I don’t think it’s here?
Inspector – Then keep looking lad! I’ll not rest until I find that fucking pizza!
The papers duly print more pictures of the offending bread based foodstuff, but even they are starting to get fed up with the pizza hunt. So far all the inept cunts in charge of this investigation have managed to do is arrest somebody who might not have had a fucking thing do with it and not find a pizza. The police get a bit defensive when their policing skills are called into question and so they rather sulkily admit that they are not only looking for a pizza but that a three foot grey sock is also missing. The following day we have several full page spreads showing the wayward pizza and lost sock. Pizza and a knee length sock? Sounds like a good night in to me.
Upon the full revelation of the Pizza Hunt the British Nation responds in an entirely predictable and unsurprising manner. They hear the word ‘pizza’ and immediately all revert to teenage practical joke antics, they start flooding the Police with Prank Pizzas. Fuck that their trying to solve a murder an’ all.
Mario – ‘ello, Little Italy’s Stuffed Crust Deliveries, ‘ow can I ‘elp you?
Prankster – I’d like a pizza delivery please *titter*
Mario – O’ course sir, where are we deliverin’ to?
Prankster – Scotland Yard *chortle*
Mario – an’ what pizza would sir like?
Prankster – A Mozzarella, Tomato and Basil Pesto Pizza please *snigger*
Mario – A what you sick cunt?! Do you mean a Margarita?!
Prankster – Oh..I…errr…fuck it never mind!
Det Inspt Soppybollocks in his defence has stated that the pizza could be the key to solving the case. Look Soppybollocks I hate to break this to you, but I’m not sure it’s even the key to a light lunch, let alone a vital clue a in a murder case. In the light of this farce, a so-called ‘more experienced’ set of investigating heads’ was bought in to try solve and the mystery (the killing, not the missing pizza). Their first throw of the dice?…. DNA tests on all her Facebook friends….Fucking What?!
This is the future of modern policing.
Police Commissioner – Ahhh Soppybollocks there you are. Any news on the murder case yet?
Inspector Soppybollocks – No sir, we’ve hit a bit of a brick wall I’m afraid. We tried Facebooking all her friends, but they wont’ add us and they didn’t like our status.
Police Commissioner – Hmmm, have you tried Googling ‘Who is the killer?’ yet?
Inspector Soppybollocks – No sir, I’ll get right on it!
Now I know what you’re thinking this is the Cop Shop you’re cumming on here Motherfucker not a journalist. Well yes you’re half right, but I am also showering any of those fuckpigs who printed a photo of a pizza too. Rub it in you cunts, bathe in my man muck.