Category Archives: Cunt of the Month

Cunt of the Month

Mother Teresa, sun-dried, shrivelled up, conker faced, table cloth wearing, dodgy saint and dead nun is our second posthumous Cunt of the Month Award winner. Yes, I know, another dead cunt and a woman again to boot! I don’t want any of you thinking I’m a misogynist or anything. It just turns out that a load of dead spunk buckets are right cunts. I can’t fucking wait for Winnie ‘put a tire around their neck and set fire to it’ Mandela to croak it. I’ll give her the award the very second the first bit of muck hits her coffin.

The previous Chief Kiddyfiddler Pope John Paul II called the sanctimonious shite gabbler ‘Blessed Teresa of Calcutta’. Which was nice. Except that most folk in Calcutta don’t remember her ever lifting a fucking finger to help in their time of need. She apparently set up a school for 5000 poor street urchins and orphans, only nobody could ever find the school or the 5000 pupils who were supposed to be attending it. They’re all probably being bummed to death by some priests somewhere. Which carries us nicely onto our next point, when the desiccated cardigan wearing witch bitch found out that one of her ‘very best friends’ had been caught with his cock jammed up an alter boys arse she was outraged… That the paedophile got fired! I mean what type of world do we live in, where a well meaning priest can’t touch up young boys?! She demanded that he be reinstated at once. He went on to abuse another eight kids. All in the name of Jesus of course you understand.

‘Hey Motherfucker! She raised a lot of money for charity, don’t be so fucking disrespectful!’ wail her contingent of fairy tale worshipping deluded admirers. Did she indeed? Well for a start; a lot of that ‘generously donated’ cash she so willingly accepted came from some of the most despised international fraudsters of her day, Maxwell, Keating and Duvalier all contributed millions of other peoples money to her ‘good cause’. When challenged about this and asked to return the money the filthy old dust bag remained stony silent. She had too. She didn’t have any of it left, she’d passed it all over to Mother Church so that they could silence the growing number of bandy legged Alter boys. Literally millions upon millions squirreled away never to be seen again. This despicable poison dwarf certainly wasn’t spending the cash on improving the orphanages that she’d set up for the poor homeless kids she professed to love so much. The squalid conditions they were housed in were little better then the streets she’d ‘saved’ them from, personally, I would have chose to stay on the streets… less chance of getting a god botherer’s cock in your bum.

The whole world seemed to fall for the fucking bullshit spouted about this backwards peddler of hate, so much so that they even awarded the dilapidated cunt a Nobel Peace Prize. A Nobel Peace Prize, for the woman who refused to give even the most basic of pain relief to the patients who were housed in her ‘Homes for the Dying’?! If you weren’t dying before you went in you fucking were the minute you stepped through the bastard doors. These places were more like horror filled torture chambers then hospices, filled with the screams of patients denied a fucking Nurofen in their time of need. Not only did she lock up the tablet box she also refused to employ any trained medical staff in her doom filled institutions on the grounds that, ‘the most beautiful gift you can give a person is that he can participate in the sufferings of Christ’. Funny that when she fell ill herself she decided to fuck the suffering idea out of the window and booked herself into the swankiest medical facilities (other) people’s money could buy. The hypocritical two-faced, withered old fuckcunt.

When she finally fucked off this mortal coil, the Chief Funnyhat Rape Enabler decide that she embodied his organisations lack of moral fibre and desperation to halt progress so much that he gave the nasty old bint a Sainthood. I mean who doesn’t like a little old Granny eh? That was sure to bring more fuckwits who could be parted from their cash to the Services on a Sunday wasn’t it? A fucking Saint!? That’s like being the largest cunt in a field of cunts situated just outside of Cuntsville.

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Cunt of the Month

William Hague, Foreign Secretary, baldy fucking wankhand and ex Conservative Party leader has romped home in first place in this months Cunt Award. It was touch and go for a bit, Lord Seb Coe was right behind him with a nose up his ringer but then William, the gormless cunt of a Yes man, dashed off into the lead by virtually inciting a war with another nation.

For a start lets have a quick look at this fuckwits credentials shall we? He started his career as being that cunt kid who adults thought was great because he was really interested in politics and they thought they could just shove him onto the stage at a Party Conference and pretend that they were down with the kids. Only this fuckwit was more like down syndrome with the kids. He got himself voted into position of President of the Oxford Conservative Association, which is much like being voted as the wanker with the quickest wrist action at a Pull One Off competition. He won on the grounds that he’d clean up the whole voting process and get rid of any back scratching elitism…And then promptly got caught rigging an election to get his mate a position too, literally caught stuffing false ballots into a box. He’d earned his cunt wings, which automatically qualified him to join the UK Parliament.

Time rolls by and baldyilocks gets himself voted as leader of the Conservative Party, nobody thinks to check if he’s been up to his old tricks again, but the geriatric cunts he’s up against are probably too old to give a fuck anyways. He leads his Party to one of the most devastating defeats in the history of British Politics. He is confounded by this result as he was sure that by telling the nation he used to swill fourteen pints of bitter a day as a kid would win him the vote of the ‘Normal Man’. It didn’t. They still thought he was dicksplash. He bows out of his leadership as gracefully as is possible after being creamed on more then a bukkake babe on a busman’s holiday.

Which leads us to the present day, the UK’s current leaders well known for their ‘Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full sir’ attitude, decide that this fucking bumbling buffoon is just the type of Oxford churned out failure that the nation needs to represent them on the international stage. When America get it’s panties in a twist because some Aussie fellow exposes all their double dealings, lies and criminal activities, they immediately insist that he his brought to them so that they can dole out their own brand of justice… Which is torture (TM).

But they already have egg on their faces, they can’t risk looking anymore like that Bukkake babe and so they call upon Sweden and the UK to sort out this little mess for them. Sweden tow the line by trying to question him for allegedly not putting a cum bag on his bellend.. not once but twice…Filthy Aussie Bareback Rider. Anywhere else in the world this would be called ‘Fucking without a Spermsack’. In Sweden they call it rape. Sweden, a nation that was voted the fourth in the world on a recent Democracy Index, suddenly wants to extradite a man just because he hates the smell of burning rubber. Now the UK steps up to the plate.

UK Govt: Oi Aussie! You’re gonna have to fuck off to Sweden to answer tough questions about why you spunked up two birds.

Aussie: That’s doesn’t seem fair, what if they send me to America to get tortured?

UK Govt: Errrrr, America you say? Errrr we don’t know what your talking about, this is about cum bags isn’t it? *nervous shuffle of feet and wringing of hands*

Aussie: Well if it’s all the same with you, you lap dog lying cunts I think I’ll hang out in my mates Embassy for a bit.

UK Govt: Bollocks.

This is where Haguey Baby steps up to the plate, surely as our Foreign Minister and representative of our Great and Fair Nation he’s going to inject some common sense into the whole tawdry affair? No. No, he doesn’t. He threatens to invade the Embassy and take the Aussie prisoner instead. Fuck International Law. Fuck that every embassy worldwide would become a legitimate target for attack from every passing fucknugget terrosist. Fuck that it makes the UK look like a petulant bullied child in front of the watching world. What a duplicitous bitch whipped Cunt.

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Cunt of the Month

Diana, Princess of Hearts, the Peoples’ Princess, fuckpiece to the rich and famous and now deceased treacherous mother to a future King, has won a posthumous Cunt Award in the first Cunt of the Month of my resurrected blog. Yes, I know she’s dead. Yes, I know it’s hardily the most satirical of cunts, but blame the pair of shrivelled old nearly corpses I heard banging on about how fucking perfect she was on the train this morning.

There seems to be some kind of mass delusion in the UK that Princess Blinky was some sort of inspirational icon for the country, so much so,  that with a little internet research I discovered that the coiffured tart somehow even managed to get herself voted into 3rd place as the greatest ever Briton! That’s right….3rd. She beat (amongst others) Shakespeare, Newton and Darwin.

‘Could I interest you in a little Hamlet or perhaps Sir would prefer the grand Theories of Gravity and Evolution?’

‘Nah thanks we’d rather have the former fuck hole of a flap eared doddering Prince, a universally despised ginger cunt solider and a knob head rugby player thanks very muchly.’ Bray the unimaginative fuckpigs who must have voted for the dead, bouffant wearing, moron shagger.

‘Ohhh but she did a lot for charity’ would be the typical defence of the Princess of Tarts. Yes, she did didn’t she, but to be fair she wasn’t doing a lot else was she? In fact the great British public, fucking hated her when she was alive, the mock revolutionary republicans and socialists complained just as bitterly about the public funding of her lifestyle as they did for the rest of the Royal Family. ‘Look at her in yet another designer frock whilst tramps are wearing bin bags,’ they’d bitch, or ‘Oh look its ok for her to go to a ballroom dance whilst one legged people have to make do with a quick shuffle in the streets isn’t it?’

It’s only when she died in Paris with Dodo Al’Harrod, that everyone started believing the fallacy which the media quickly implanted into their heads…

‘I loved Diana, did you love Diana? Everybody loved Diana? She did a lot for charity, didn’t she?’

I didn’t love Diana, famous for AIDS kissing she might have been but I used to find her type of media whoring almost as saccharine as her real whoring. Every time some African was wheeled out with no legs, she’d jemmy her way into the camera shot, batting her eyelashes and looking all coquettishly at the camera.

No Legged African Minor – ‘Oh no my legs have been maimed in a horrific landmine accident’

Doctor – ‘Don’t worry we’ve got this blonde winky women to come and give you a kiss, so everything should be ok now.’

Remember the candour of her interview where she weepingly told the nation how horrible it had been for her, married to a rich Prince who didn’t love her, but still showered her with money, gifts and publicity (not to mention showering her womb with future kings too). ‘He didn’t love me and everyone knew he was secretly fucking a horse’. Key word. Secretly. How secret were her torrid affairs with Major James Hewitt and Will Carling et al, about as private as a public dogging session on the hard shoulder of M1 is the answer. Fuck me, it turns out that young Prince Nazi might even be Major James Fuckwitts’ right royal bastard!

To be fair, she wouldn’t normally deserve a Cunt Award, especially since she’s copped it an’ all, but the sanctimonious prattling of the Nation needs to be addressed. If I could award every cunt who thought that this cunt wasn’t a cunt the Cunt Award I would… but I can’t…So she’s a cunt.

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Cunt of The Month

Hosni Mubarak longest ever serving President Elect of Egypt and fucking annoying-won’t-leave-guest at cocktail party’s wins this months’ cunt award on the basis that the stubborn cunt is lingering around like the noxious release of intestinal gasses on the morning after eating a four cheese cauliflower bake.

‘Fuck off you freedom threatening despotic election rigging cunt!’ screams a frustrated nation of oppressed huddled masses, ‘Yeah ok I will…. in seven months, I just want to finish watching this TV programme first, it’s my favourite.’  The arrogance of this power hungry cunt is surpassed only by his sense of self preservation. I don’t give a fuck about proper processes and legal procedures if I had an entire nation telling me to go and stick my Just For Men daubed Dracula inspired head up my own ringer, I ‘d probably get the message. Whilst television images of his people enraged by his clingy on attitude and incensed to the point of rioting with the now habitual wailing and gnashing of teeth accompanied by flip flop waving are broadcast into his golden encrusted palace, he blithely carries on as if it’s just another Sunday in Paradise.

El Presidente – ‘Ok Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll leave in seven months.’ 

Baying Mob – ‘No fuck off now you fucking invalid.’

El Presidente – ‘Alright what if I promise not to do anything and let the Vice President rule… can I stay then?’

Baying Mob – ‘No just fuck off Count Fuckyoula, we fucking hate you, you fuckpig!’

El Presidente – ‘Ok I hear you, I hear you… What you’re really trying to say is stay a bit longer isn’t it, I can read between the lines you know’

Baying Mob – ‘Fuck me, what a cunt.’

I can hear the frustrated cries now, ‘But Motherfucker, this cunt is an obvious cunt, why’d it take you so long to crown him Cunt of the Month?!’  The problem is that this tyrannical, Machiavellian extra from the Adams family has managed something that only a select handful of politicians and a scattering of holy men throughout the ages have ever managed. Muslims and Christians have been seen holding hands, breaking bread and chanting arm in arm. Both religions showing each other respect, unified in their bitter contempt of an utter wankbag, acknowledging each others worth as Egyptians rather than letting their different interpretations of raving mad man stand between them. In one swift move of stubborn incalcitrance  this shady and deceitful pitiful excuse for a statesmen has done more for religions harmony in Egypt than all the eulogising of pedantic Priests and the ferocious tirades of irate Imans  could ever hope to instil. Hence my brief stall whilst I summed it all up, weighed the good and the bad so to speak.

Turns out he’s a massive cunt.

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Cunt of the Month

Santa, imaginary, gift dispensing paedo and part time Captain Birdseye look-a-like, has beaten off some keen competition to take this months Cunt Award. Yes, I am well aware that this cunt isn’t real, but the fucker is responsible for so much human misery that something needs to be done.

As parents we are tricked into thinking that our children need to believe in a housebreaking, bearded, old fuck who drops off pressies in order for them to enjoy the ‘magic’ of Christmas. ‘Oh don’t spoil the wonderment for them’  some wanker will spout, another might drivel, ‘oooh but it’s such a special time of year for kids’. They can go fuck themselves with one of St’ Nicks famously thick hairy fists as far as i am concerned. I spent two months wages on these little fuckpigs and now some invention of Coca Cola is walking away with the gratitude!? Not on my watch he fucking isn’t!

Long ago I told my own spunk products that he died in a horrific sleigh accident involving the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. They weren’t wearing their seatbelts and so they all died in an ambulance on their way to Casualty. This gem of a  tale served a few purposes: One, it allowed me to get away with Santa fucking off without explaining that society had been lying to them for four years, Two, I no longer have to slip .50p under their pillow everytime one of the little bastards looses a tooth. Three, maybe the little fuckers will put their seatbelts on without being told to five times now that their ‘hero’ croaked it in a similar manner.

‘But Daddy look he’s still alive!…Look look there’s his Grotto!’  No you blithely unaware shits, that is an old out of work man of questionable morals who is getting paid to talk shit to you and take my money. Fuck off you fake ball sucking kiddy toucher, ‘no you can’t have your photo taken with him for a fiver he’s a cunt.’

He is the socially acceptable icon that represents society’s willingness to mislead and lie to their children. He is the fun face on rank commercialism. He is the jovially obese symbol of paedoburglary.

Ho Ho Ho…..Cunt Cunt Cunt

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Inaugural Cunt of the Month.

The Pope, God’s representative to the Human race, iconic symbol of faith and spiritual authority for millions of Catholics, ex cathedra sovereign ruler of Vatican City State and chief kiddy fiddler has recently issued a wise and utterly contemporary, relevant and not at all misguided or idiotic statement regarding spunk sacks.

The statement was intended to elucidate and illuminate further on his previous statement regarding cock sheathes and the spread of good and bad Aids in Africa. What makes him think that people need or even want advice regarding their sex lives from a senile, rheumy, child rape enabling old weirdo who dresses in pyjamas and wears silly hats? I’m not sure that the vast armed hordes of African rapists who have studiously ignored God’s direct commandment warning his people against the joys of extramarital clunge rutting, are even listening to him anyway. For some reason I can’t picture your average African rapist taking a minute out from his daily “no means yes”routine to free up a choking hand and slip on a rubber.

Recently, the Pope made a visit to England. Millions of pounds of tax payer’s hard earned money were spent on his security, hospitality and in ensuring a welcome was provided he would never forget. In an effort to avoid any unpleasantness, innuendo or “accidents” on behalf of the Pope and his entourage, the organisers booked an act that was as far away (whilst staying within the confines of the human race) as possible from even remotely resembling a fuckable child. Susan Boyle. “Accidents” aside, we all have to deal with the consequences of what happened last time we offered up one of our talented children to the Pope. What must the previous Pope have done to Charlotte Church for her to go from the darling, innocent “voice of angel” to the irritating, gobby, cock hungry fuck pig that she is now?

Incidentally, the Pope being God’s representative on Earth has always struck me as incredible. The immense and mind bogglingly powerful wise and benevolent being that created the universe and all we hold dear’s chooses a senile, doddering, mumbling racist as his Hand on Earth? Striking isn’t it? I mean, if this misguided, sordid old Nazi with a penchant for small children and a terribly knowledgeable grasp of how to manipulate on a mass scale is God’s right hand man on this mortal coil, what fucking selection process are they running up there?! This is another reason in what is fast becoming a long list of brilliant reasons for bumping off Simon Cowell as soon as possible. We need to get his talent for discovering cunts onto the “Pope Factor” selection board as soon as possible.

The current incumbent to the Papal throne isn’t even earning his money. Instead of wasting his time apologising for churning out generations of psychologically scarred human beings, surely he should be masterminding suicide bombings of Mecca and decreeing Papal Bulls to slaughter the masses of heathen unbelievers? This is what all the cool, hip religions are doing nowadays. I think the Pope would be a lot cooler if we saw him spreading the good word via dodgy old VHS tapes filmed on location in some urine soaked cave rather than having to listen to the dry, dusty, decrepit old cunt churn out his senseless bollocks from St Peter’s Square every time it takes his fancy.

So. For all these reasons and more, congratulations to The Pope! You are I’mamofo’s inaugural, Cunt of the Month.

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